##
Hold on, I gotta come up!
I've gotta take the world's biggest fucking piss.
We can't be late!
We won't!
Who's... who's holding?
If you 're not, then nobody.
We were kind of hoping you were.
- Yeah. How are you not holding? - Jesus Christ, Shanna.
It is not my fucking job to supply y'all with weed when we go out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little lady.
You 're gettin' angry kind of quick, don't you think?
I was just teasin' you!
I'm not angry. It just would be nice
if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time
and surprise me every once in a while with pot.
Okay, mean girl in a high school movie.
Are you through having a tantrum?
I'm not having a tantrum.
Yes, you are. You 've been in the car all of two seconds,
and you 're already cursing at me.
I am not cursing at you.
You said "Jesus Christ, Shanna,"
and then before the sentence was over
you threw a "fucking" in there to emphasize your irritatedness.
Come on, don't fight. I'll pay for it when we get some.
One, it is not about the money. It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.
And two, we're not really fighting.
Arlene, you 've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.
That wasn't a fight.
That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch
and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time.
That's how we tolerate each other after all these years.
Oh! Billboard!
So, what's the plan, man?
Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's.
Did you call Rafael and tell him we're coming?
- Of course. - You 're so good.
I know.
Okay, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?
You bet your ass he is... with Jesse Letterman.
Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town.
He's got a big thing for Julia.
If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me,
as opposed to disappearing for six months,
and he'd get his ass down here more often than he does.
And on my birthday he'd give me a fucking phone call.
Oh, billboard!
Yeah, but you get those legs of yours around him,
and it's all over.
Yeah, well, when I'm redecorating his house in the hills that I am also living in,
I'll let you know it worked.
So, margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's,
touch base with Chris and Jesse, tell them about later,
and make damn sure they come.
Those other guys'll be waiting for us at the Texas Chili Parlor.
Oh, shit. Speaking of which...
what happened with you and Nate last night?
Well, you know, not much. We just fucking met each other.
If you don't bust their balls a little bit, they're never gonna respect you.
Okay, we're pretty clear on what it is you didn 't do.
How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?
Oh, nothing to write home about.
We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes.
Dressed, half-dressed, or naked?
Dressed. I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing."
Oh, excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
You know, it's everything but.
They call that "the thing"?
I call it "the thing."
Do guys like "the thing"?
They like it better than "no thing."
Okay, I wanna get back to what it is you did do.
So you 're making out on the couch with Nate, right?
Correct.
Whose couch? His or the one in your hotel room?
What am I, stupid over here? Mine.
Were you making out sitting up or lying down?
We started sitting up, we worked our way to lying down.
Hmm. The plot thickens. Who was on top?
I was straddling him.
What else?
That was it. So we made out for a little while on the couch...
and I said, "Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now, so it's time for you to leave."
And then he starts to whine, "Oh, right now?"
And I said, "Yup, right now. Let's go."
And he says, "Wait, what about this?" And I said no.
He said, "What do you mean? You don't know what I'm gonna say."
I said, "I already know what you 're gonna say, and the answer's no."
He said, "Well, how can you say you know what I'm gonna say?"
And I said, "Because you 're gonna say, 'Let's just go to sleep together.
'We don't gotta do nothing.
'Just cuddle, sleep next to each other,
wake up in the morning together."'
"No. You 're gonna leave... but I'll see you tomorrow."
Yeah, fuck Nate.
I mean, he's cute and all,
but Jesse Letterman is gonna be all over her.
Remember... no hookin' up tonight.
You can hang out with them, you can make out with them,
but no hookin' up with them,
because we are driving to Lake L.B.J. tonight,
and my daddy's pretty clear about one thing...
He said, "I am lettin' you and your girlfriends stay at my lake house,
not you and a bunch of horny boys trying to get their fuck on with my daughter."
- Your dad talks like that? - Hell yeah.
And it's not like he ain't gonna know, either,
because when I'm staying at the lake house with my girlfriends in our bikinis,
Daddy just has a tendency to pop up and make sure we don't need anything.
Look, he's totally harmless and cute as a bug's ear!
But you know, when he's got a bunch of half-naked poontang
walking the floor of his lake house,
he just likes to pay us a visit and make sure we got everything we need.
And if you flirt shamelessly with him,
like the six-foot baby giraffe in the backseat,
you got a puppy dog for life.
I have my own relationship with Ben,
and you 're just jealous 'cause it don't include you.
You call her dad "Ben"?
I'm not a child. That's his name.
So, when are the boys showing up?
They're gonna meet us at the Chili Parlor.
Maybe they can bring some pot.
Fuck that. No.
I don't wanna be either A, depending on their fucking ass,
or B, depending on their ass.
Uh-uh. If we don't score ourselves,
we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night.
Ooh! Try Lanna-Frank.
Best idea you had all day.
Oh, hey! That's your last billboard before Guero's!
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Oh, come on, my ass! We said every time.
Okay.
##
Jules, let me get a drag.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
Hey, this is... and I's U.T. days, Arlene.
Hey.
- You wanna join us? - For a second, but I'm with some friends.
Ooh...
So, you must be... must be...
So, you must be the infamous Butterfly.
Shh!
She don't know nothing about it.
- Know about what? - When were y'all gonna tell her?
- Soon. - Tell me what?
Yeah, now thanks to you, we've gotta tell her sooner than later.
All right, cut the shit. What the fuck is going on?
I said a little something-something about you on the air today.
Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?
All I said was I had a sexy friend named Butterfly
who was in from out-of-town for the weekend,
and we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight,
and if they were out on the town, maybe they'd see us.
And I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out,
if they'd do something, you 'd do something.
Okay, now, Julia, I'm serious.
What did you say and what did you say I'd do?
Anywho, I could explain what I said, which would be boring,
or Marcy over here,
who is an incredible actress, could act it out for you,
which I think will give you a better idea what you have in store for you tonight.
Okay, so just tell me your way.
- So we'll act it out with Marcy? - Sure.
Okay, give Marcy your drink.
Okay, so you 're in a club or a bar,
and Marcy's a kind of cute or kind of hot or kind of sexy
or better be fucking hysterically funny,
but not-funny-looking guy who you could fuck.
Got it.
Okay, Marcy, take it.
Howdy.
Hi, there.
Excuse me, but...
your name wouldn't be "Butterfly," would it?
Yes, it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage.
Barry.
Pleased to meet you, Barry.
Y'all are gettin' me hot!
Shh!
So is, uh... "Butterfly" your real name?
Yes, it is.
And how'd you know my name, Barry?
I listened to Jungle Julia's show this mornin'.
Oh, you did, did you?
Oh, yeah, I listen to her show every morning.
Oh, you do, do you?
Yeah, she's like the coolest lady in town.
Don't you think she's got a big ass?
Nah, man! I like her ass that way.
She got a black girl's ass.
Well, that's what she always says,
but in actual fact, she doesn't really have a black girl's ass.
She's got a big ass.
Okay, what the fuck are you doing?
Look who wants to get to the point all of a sudden.
Okay, we'll get to the point,
but for your information, skinny bitch,
black men and a whole lot of motherfuckin' white men
have had plenty of fun adoring my ass.
I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing.
If you 're not gonna buy me a drink, can I have mine back?
No, okay, okay, okay, okay.
So, Butterfly...
can I buy you a drink?
I'd love one.
What can I get ya?
I'll take a margarita.
Here ya go.
So, after they buy you a drink
when they raise their glass to toast,
they look you dead in the eye and repeat this poem...
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
Did you hear me, Butterfly?
"Miles to go before you sleep."
And then, if they say that...
you gotta give 'em a lap dance.
What?
If they call you "Butterfly," buy you a drink, repeat that poem,
you gotta give 'em a lap dance.
That's bullshit. I ain't giving them nothin'.
Well, you can do it or not, but if you don't,
everybody in Austin is gonna think you a chicken shit.
And I don't think you want everybody in Austin
thinking you 're a chicken shit.
I ain't giving nobody no lap dance 'cause of what you said.
Oh, come on! It's gonna be funny!
Yeah, everything's funny to you two when it's happening to me.
Look. You don't have to do it for anybody you don't want.
I said you 'd do it for the first guy who says it.
So, some geek comes over trying to be cool,
just tell him you already did it at another place earlier.
No harm, no foul, but you get a free drink out of it.
But maybe a little later in the evening,
you 've had a few drinks,
you 're kind of loosey-goosey,
you 're safe with your girls,
then some kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy,
hysterically funny, but not-funny-looking guy comes up and says it...
then maybe you did it earlier, maybe you didn't.
She's making me trip.
Shut the fuck up. You made me trip, dumb bitch!
You fuckin' idiot!
##
# Baby #
# It doesn 't matter what they say #
# I know I' m gonna love you any old way #
# What can I do without you? #
# Don 't want nobody. nobody #
# Baby. it's you #
# Don 't leave me alone #
# Come on home #
# Baby. it's you #
# Baby. it's you... #
Any dead soldiers here?
Uh, these two. Thank you.
Where the hell is Lanna-Frank?
That's a good fucking question.
Lanna-Frank!
Where are you?
Well, come over already. We're waiting for you.
- ## - Shit! Hold on!
So, where are you?
Come over already. We're waiting for you.
No. We're not coming over there.
You come over here like you said you would.
So, is it Shauna and the girls at the lake house this weekend?
- Shauna? - Oh, fuck. l...
No.
Now, there is one thing that every girl in the whole world
whose name is Shanna has in common with each other.
We all hate the name "Shauna,"
and we really hate it when people call us "Shauna."
Just remember...
it's "Shanna Banana," not "Shauna Banauna."
Okay, but at some point in the evening, I had fuckability stock.
Yeah, I mean, it wasn't bullish, but...
##
Okay... Warren's sending over shots, and you know the house rules.
If he sends over shots, you gotta do them.
- What? - Hey, them's the rules, baby.
- Warren says it, we do it! I love that philosophy!
"Warren says it, we do it."
So let's do it!
What is it?
Hey, shot first, questions later. Here we go. Post time!
Mmm!
Whoo-hoo!
Now, is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty beverage?
What the fuck is it?!
Chartreuse.
The only liquor so good they named a color after it.
Who's down for dos Chartreuse?
Not me.
I'm going out for a smoke.
Okay, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?
You 'll blow up the joint.
##
Drinks. What can we get you?
Shanna Banana?
Another big-ass Long Island iced tea.
Bombay Sapphire and tonic with no ice.
Good boy.
Oh, hey, Punky.
Uh, one of the lights is off in the parking lot. Flip it.
- Oh! Jesus Christ! - Whoa-ho!
You scared the fuck out of me, you shitty asshole!
I swear, Arlene. I was not trying to scare you.
I just... got lucky.
Oh, hardee-fucking-har.
- Let's go inside. - Wait a minute.
- Why? - I was thinkin' we could make out.
What, on a porch?
Not even in the bar, but in front of the entrance?
- Forget it. - No, in my car.
What, out there? It's wet as fucking 'Nam out there.
Not in my car it's not.
Look, you won't get wet.
I promise you.
You know, most guys wouldn't brag about that.
Ha ha ha.
I mean... you know what I mean.
Look, I know you guys are going to Lake L.B.J.
and we can't come.
I wanna make out...
Okay, just stop with the whining. It's not attractive.
I don't want it super fucking obvious to everybody in the bar we've been gone,
- so we'll make out for six minutes, deal? - Great.
No, no, no. Deal or no deal?
If you 're gonna whine when I pull the plug in six minutes,
we could just walk back inside the fucking bar right now.
- Deal. No whining. - And no begging.
And no begging. When you say "done," it's done.
I'm gonna remember you said that.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, you got two jobs... kiss good and make sure my hair don't get wet.
##
# It was early. early one morning #
# When I heard my bulldog bark #
# It was Staggolee and Billy Lyons #
# Squabblin ' in the dark... #
Now, look, you can't look like you 're trying to get her out of here
before Christian Simonson shows up,
but you 've got to get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up.
Yeah, but what's the point?
They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake L.B.J.,
and it's no guys.
Absolutely no guys.
Okay. So after we bring the girls' drinks,
in fairly rapid order, but not obvious, we order two more rounds of shots.
You think they're gonna fall for that?
We'll be very convincing.
Now it's time to turn up the volume. No more fucking around.
We go to Jäger shots.
Man, they're not gonna drink Jäger shots.
Dude, as long as a guy's buying the booze,
a fucking bitch will drink anything.
Come on, dude, we can at least get one shot of Jäger
down these fucking bitches' throats.
After that, we'll see if they get another Jäger shot in them.
You never know.
That could be the shot that puts them past the point of "fuck it."
Then all of a sudden "no guys at the lake house"
turns into a couple of guys at the lake house.
My point exactly.
And I know I can at least get "Shanna Suck-my-banana"
to do a fucking Buttery Nipple shot. What's Julia's sweet shot?
- Key Lime Pie. - Oh, come on, dude.
Even fucking Leroy Brown would do one more for dessert.
Dude, check it out.
I wonder if B.J. brought the bear with him.
Jesus.
Dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.
Hi, could I get a chicken suit for Stroker Ace, please?
# See the hole I shot in his head #
# The high sheriff told the deputy #
# Get your pistols and come with me #
# We got to go arrest a bad man #
# Known as Staggolee... #
# They laid them on the shelf
# If you want that bad man Staggolee #
# You 'll have to arrest him yourself
# The high sheriff asked the bartender... #
And where did you two disappear to?
I had to get something out of the car,
and Nate was gentlemanly enough to escort me with his umbrella.
Ah, good for you, Nate.
You see that pretty girl sitting by herself at the bar?
Who, the dirty hippie?
Meow. She's not a hippie.
She might as well be a hippie.
Thank you, Timmy boy.
Well, do you know what just happened to her?
No, but I know she's a skinny, fake, blonde bitch.
Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story?
What about her?
Hey, Warren!
Is there anybody you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
You 've been eavesdropping?
There's eavesdropping and "can't help but hear."
I think I belong in the latter category.
So, uh, Icy Hot.
You 're offering me a ride home?
I'm offering you a lift if when I'm ready to leave, you are, too.
And when are you thinking about leaving?
Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it.
But when I do, you will be the first to know.
Will you be able to, uh, drive later?
I know looks can be deceiving.
But I'm a teetotaler.
I've been drinking club soda and lime all night,
and now I'm building up to my big drink.
- Which is what? - Virgin piña colada.
Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink
spend hours at a bar drinking water?
You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.
Mmm. Really?
Like what?
Women.
Nacho grande platters.
The fellowship of some fascinating individuals,
like Warren here.
Alcohol is just a lubricant
for all the individual encounters that a barroom offers.
Ooh. Is that cowboy wisdom?
I'm not a cowboy, Pam.
I'm a stuntman.
But that's a very easy mistake to make.
How do you know my name?
When you were talking with Warren...
couldn't help but overhear.
Fair enough.
So what's your name, Icy?
Stuntman Mike.
Stuntman Mike's your name?
Tsk. You ask anybody.
Hey, Warren.
Who is this guy?
Stuntman Mike.
And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
He's a stuntman.
Warren! Six shots of Wild Turkey!
# I' ve just got to know #
# Should I go leave #
# And find somebody else #
# You know I stood yesterday #
Yeah!
##
Yeah!
Let's do 'em!
Salud.
Down the snatch.
You know, Pam, I think it's time for my big drink.
Well, Stuntman Mike, since I have a tab here,
can I buy you that virgin piña colada?
Thank you, Pam. That'd be lovely.
Warren!
A, uh, virgin piña colada for my stuntman friend
and I'll have another Cadillac Cabo Wabo margarita.
Cabo Wabo, virgin.
##
# People. I' ve been misled #
# And I' ve been afraid #
# I' ve been hit in the head #
# And left for days #
# I' ve been abused #
# And I' ve been accused #
# I' ve been refused #
# A piece of bread... #
- Ah! - Hey, if it ain't Lanna-Frank.
Mwah.
- Hey, baby. - How are you?
- # In my life before # - Hey, what's up?
Hey!
Hey, what's shakin', bacon?
Hey.
# Go wrong as I do today #
- # I want you to stop... # - Well, let's scootch over, now.
It's about fucking time.
Well, beggars can't be choosers.
Take a picture. It lasts longer.
What?
That table.
Seems to keep, um, getting your attention.
Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Yep.
She sure is a striking-looking woman.
It's got gin, tequila, Jäger...
Look at that hair.
Lots of leave-in conditioner.
Is that jealousy I detect?
Hardly. But if you want to get with, uh, Jungle Julia,
there's a real easy way to do that.
Really, what would that be?
Get famous. You won't have to find her... she'll find you.
And you don't even want to know what she did for that billboard.
Enjoy it, cocksucker.
You 've earned it.
What did she ever do to you?
We went to school together from kindergarten through high school.
That's what she did to me.
She was her height right now at 12.
She was a monster.
Half the guys she still fucks she used to terrorize in the fifth grade.
And she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk, huh?
That pituitary case?
Might have kicked my ass a couple of times...
sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man...
but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.
Hey! Are you famous or somethin'?
Or somethin'.
No, no, no. Really.
Hey, what do... what do you do?
Really?
What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground,
but why that girl wanted a picture of me is because I'm a local D.J.
Wait a minute.
You 've got a billboard by Big Kahuna Burger, don't you?
Yeah.
I got one there, too, Zatoichi.
Yeah.
Jungle Julia Lucai.
Stuntman Mike McKay.
Well.
Good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.
My friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on.
Would you care for some?
Thank you, Julia,
but just the same... no thanks.
- Suit yourself. - But you know...
Oh, shit.
Ah! My God.
Sorry. It's nothing.
What the fuck was that?
You got some voucher here.
I asked him what movies you worked on.
No fuckin' clue.
Well, technically I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure.
I mean, he shows me an episode of High Chaparral.
a guy falls off a horse,
he says it's him.
You know the show The Virginian?
Yeah, well, there was another actor on that show, Gary Clarke,
and I looked like him a bit...
well, obviously before I cut myself shaving.
Tsk. Aww, I like it.
Well, damn, if you ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.
Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians doubling Gary Clarke.
And, uh... then that show turned into The Men of Shiloh.
they brought on Lee Majors, and I doubled him.
From that point on I specialized mostly in car stunts.
Yeah, I did damn near the whole third season of Vega$ .
I was Robert Urich's driving double.
And then Bob did another show, Gavilan.
and he brought me with him on that, till...
And after that...
Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talkin' about?
Sorry.
- No? - Mm-mm.
No, no.
So how exactly does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?
Well, in Hollywood, anybody fool enough to throw himself down a flight of stairs
can usually find somebody to pay him for it.
But really I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.
How's that?
- My brother got me in it. - Well, who's your brother?
Stuntman Bob.
I'm ready to blaze!
Finally, yeah. You need to catch up with us.
- Now the party can start. - Yep.
Anywho, I'm sorry. You forgive me?
But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here.
Promise. You ready to go to the lake?
Mm-hmm.
- How about your friend, bring him? - I thought no boys.
If you really want him to come, Shanna won't mind.
So how about it? Boys or just us girls?
Mmm, us girls.
Good idea.
Ladies?
Thanks.
Cheers, Butterfly.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep...
"And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
Did you hear me, Butterfly?
"Miles to go before you sleep."
Sorry, Stuntman Burt...
Mike.
She already broke off that dance.
Is that true?
Did I miss my chance?
Do I frighten you?
Is it my scar?
It's your car.
Ah, yeah, I know.
Sorry.
It's my mom's car.
Have you been following us?
No, but that's what I love about Austin...
it's just so damn small.
- You 've seen this guy before? - I saw him outside of Guero's.
And I saw you outside Guero's, too.
You saw my car, I saw your legs.
Now, look, I ain't stalking y'all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf.
So you really weren't following us?
I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky.
So, how about that lap dance?
Sorry, it was a one-time only offer,
and she did it earlier this evening at Antone's.
- No, she didn't. - How do you know?
I'm good that way.
- Tsk. And you look a little touchéd. - What's "touchéd"?
Wounded, slightly.
Why should I be wounded?
Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night,
but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all.
That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it?
There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
So...
How about that lap dance?
I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.
Well, since you 'll be leaving in the next couple of days,
that rain check'll be worthless.
But that's okay.
I understand if I make you uncomfortable.
You 're still a nice girl.
And I still like you.
But I must warn you of something.
You know how people say,
"You 're okay in my book,"
or, "In my book, that's no good."
Well, I actually have a book.
And everybody I ever meet goes in this book.
And now I've met you, and you 're goin' in the book.
Except...
I'm afraid I must file you...
under...
"Chicken Shit."
And what if I did it?
Well, I definitely couldn't file you under "Chicken Shit,"
then, now, could I?
What's your name again?
- Stuntman Mike. - Well, Stuntman Mike...
I'm Butterfly.
My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Well, why don't you go get ready for your lap dance?
What about "kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy,
"hysterically funny but not funny-looking guy
who you could fuck" did you not understand?
##
# Aah. aah #
# Now. down in Mexicali #
# There's a pretty little place that I love #
# Where the drinks are hotter than the chili sauce #
# And the boss is a cat named Joe #
# He wears a red bandanna #
# Plays a cool piano #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# He wears a purple sash #
# And a black moustache #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# Well #
# The first time that I saw him #
# He was a-sitting on a piano stool #
# I said. "Tell me. then. when does the fun begin?" #
# He just winked his eye and said. "Man. be cool" #
# He wears a red bandanna #
# Plays a blues piano #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# He wears a purple sash #
# And a black moustache #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# In Mexico #
# All of a sudden. in walks a chick #
# In Mexico #
# Joe starts playing on a Latin kick #
# In Mexico #
# Around her waist she wore three fishnets #
# In Mexico #
# She started dancing with the castanets #
# In Mexico #
# I didn 't know just what to expect #
# In Mexico #
# She threw her arms around my neck #
# In Mexico #
# We started dancing all around the floor #
# In Mexico #
# And then she did a dance I never saw before #
# So if you 're south of the border #
# I mean a-down in a-Mexico #
# And you wanna get straight. man. don 't hesitate #
# Just look up a cat named Joe #
# He wears a red bandanna #
# Plays a blues piano #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# He wears a purple sash #
# And a black moustache #
# In a honky... #
I'm driving.
We're gonna go somewhere else, gonna go hang out.
Ready to go?
Yeah.
- Bye. Bye.
I think you got Mike laid tonight.
Lookin' good, Cannonball Run!
He's just giving me a ride.
Oh, no doubt.
Have a nice ride!
Look, double fucks.
I am not gonna fuck him.
I can hear you.
- He's old enough to be my dad. - I can still hear you.
Bye.
Bye-bye!
Wow, that's fucking scary.
Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive and...
scary tends to impress.
Is it safe?
No, it's better than safe.
It's death-proof.
How do you make a car death-proof?
Well, that's what stuntmen do.
You 've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash-up
there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from?
Yeah.
Well, how do you think they accomplish that?
CGI?
Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you 're right.
Tsk. But back in the all-or-nothin' days...
Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days,
the White Line Fever days...
real cars smashing into real cars.
Real dumb people driving 'em.
So, give the stunt team the car you want to smash up,
they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and...
Voila!
You got yourself a death-proof automobile.
That makes sense. I just didn't know you could make a car death-proof.
Well, I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour.
Just for the experience.
Why is your passenger seat in a box?
Well, this is a movie car.
Sometimes when you 're shootin' a crash, director wants to put a camera in the car...
you know, shoot the crash from the inside.
That's where you put the camera. They call it a "crash box."
There you go.
You know, when you asked to drive me home,
you didn't mention your car didn't have a passenger seat.
Yeah, well, actually, I didn't ask to drive you home.
You asked me for a ride, and I said, "Yes."
But look at the bright side, Pam...
I won't be gettin' fresh, putting my hand on your knee.
That is a bright side.
I thought so.
Well, Pam...
which way are you going?
- Left or right? - Right.
Ah, that's too bad.
Why?
Well, because it was a 50/50 shot on whether you 'd be going left or right.
You see, we're both going left.
You could have just as easily been going left, too,
and if that was the case,
it would have been a while before you started getting scared.
But since you 're going the other way,
I'm afraid...
you 're gonna have to start getting scared...
immediately.
What the fuck?!
Cocksucking motherfucker!
Just fucking let me out of here!
I'll fucking rip your fucking...
Stop the fucking car!
Why are you being such a shit?
Okay.
Here's the thing.
I get it.
l... I know it's a joke, and super funny.
Um, but if you just stop right now,
you know, and... and let me out,
I'll never tell anybody because I know it's a joke.
I know all about jokes.
Ha ha ha!
I promise everything'll be fine.
Just... just... just let me out.
Please?
- And... and... and... - Hey, Pam!
Remember when I said this car was death proof?
Well, that wasn't a lie.
This car is 100% death proof.
Only to get the benefit of it, honey...
you really need to be sittin' in my seat.
Now I gotta catch me my other girlfriends.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
So, you got it?
Thanks, honey. You 're gonna play it next song, right?
Good boy.
Growl!
Bye-bye.
Who do you want to hear?
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich.
Who?
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich.
Who the fuck are they?
For your information, Pete Townshend, at one point,
almost quit The Who, and if he had,
he would have ended up in this group,
thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich, and Pete.
And if you ask me, he should have.
That's my boy!
##
# Hold tight. count to three #
# Gotta stay close by me #
# And hold tight. sing and shout #
# Just ride my roundabout #
# And hold tight. shut your eyes #
# Girl. you suit me for size... #
# Forget the other guys #
# You 'll never fall each time you call #
# Hold tight. hold tight #
# Hold tight... #
# Hold tight. make me feel. what you say is for real #
# And hold tight. carousel #
# Girl. you 'll soon ring my bell #
# And hold tight. we will fly #
# Swinging low. swinging high... #
# We're gonna make the sky #
# You 'll never fall #
##
I want to hear this part of the song louder!
Do you remember anything?
Uh... l... I don't remember.
Doctor Block.
Self-restraints to Room 310.
Well. What's the patient's prognosis, Dr. Block?
I don't really see it's any of your business.
Come on now, Sis.
You just tell us.
How bad is he?
He got banged up real good.
Busted nose, broken collarbone, smashed up his left index finger.
Is that it?
He was real lucky.
That'll be all?
Well, that's more than enough, and I wanna thank you, Dr. Block.
Son of a bitch.
So, Pop.
What do you think?
Well, Son Number One,
what I think is so goddamn ghoulish I hesitate to speak it out loud.
Well, give it a shot.
Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide.
That ol' boy in there murdered them pretty little gals.
I mean, he used a car, not a hatchet, but they're dead just the same.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Not a goddamn thing.
D.A. says there ain't no crime here.
Every one of them gals was swimming in alcohol and floatin' on weed,
and old Hooper in there came out clean as a whistle.
Now, you actually think that he premeditatively murdered them gals?
Well, I can't prove it.
But since thinkin' don't cost nothin', I can think it, and I do.
Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty banged up himself.
Well, hell yeah, he got banged up, but goddamn...
I mean, them pretty little gals in there look like a goddamn giant
chewed 'em up and spit 'em out.
Did any of 'em survive?
Shit.
Two tons of metal, 200 miles an hour,
flesh and bone and plain old Newton...
they all princess died.
Why?
Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing.
The only way I can figure it.
High-velocity impact, twisted metal, busted glass,
all four souls taken exactly the same time.
Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo.
Yeah, I think the only thing we can dream of getting that bastard on
is vehicular manslaughter for the hitchhiker in the death box.
That was just plain old, goddamn reckless endangerment.
But I got me a goddamn bartender
gonna testify that ol' Stuntman Mike didn't drink a drop all night.
And his passenger was left stranded by her date,
in the goddamn rain, no less, and she asked him for the fucking ride.
Now, on paper, this is gonna look like he was just trying to help her out.
I mean, that's the way the jury's gonna see it.
So, what are you gonna do, Pop?
Tsk.
Well, I could take it upon myself to work the case,